theres a guy in my asian art hist. class who is visually the epitome of a redneck stereotype except hes an art history major and is very clearly passiomate about it
imagine a bowlegged white guy with a beard wearing flannel, a belt buckle, and cowboy boots talk about the intricacies of a hindu temple in sri lanka. this is the future liberals want
1.
This little 7 year old girl asked me to draw her a picture of a puppy. I did, and when I was done, she tossed me a quarter. Her: “Thanks. This is for you.” Me: “Oh, hey, that’s super nice of you! But you don’t have to pay me.” Her: “You have to take it.” Me: (trying to figure out how to not take a quarter from a child) “Thanks, that’s really cool of you. But you know… I don’t have permission to work in this country, so if the police find out you paid me, I might go to jail.” Her: “Oh. Okay.” (Takes it back) “You can’t have it anymore.”
2.
This little boy was looking at my necklace while I was helping him with math. Him: “What kind of bone is that?” Me: “It’s actually a piece of coral.” Him: “What’s that?” Me: “It’s a kind of really tiny animal that lives in the ocean that builds houses for fish. But a lot of them are dying right now, so people allowed to collect it anymore. I brought this from my home.” Him: “Oh. Can I wear it?” Me: “Yeah, sure.” Him: (with the necklace on) “Can I keep this?” Me: “No, sorry. It’s kind of special to me.” Him: “…What if I stole it?” Me: Me: “I… guess I wouldn’t bring any cool stuff here anymore.” Him: Him: “You can have it back.”
3.
This super tiny 5 year old with blonde pigtails came up to me while I was cleaning and said she wanted to be a cheerleader like her big sister. Me: “Hey, that sounds super cool! You’ve got to be really strong to do that.” Her: “I am. Watch me!” Her: *cartwheels across the room like 30 feet* Me: holy shit
4. Tiny gymnastics girl: “Do you know any tricks?” Me: “… I guess?” Her: “Can I see?” Me: “Uh… sure” Me: (collapses backwards, lands on the floor with my ankles up by my armpits) Her: “Can you do a backbend?” Me: “No, this is it.” Her: “I can do a backbend.” Me: “That’s awesome, dude.” Her: “Are you gonna stay on the floor now?” Me: “I’m actually stuck” Her: “You’re bad at this.”
5. Me: “Hey kiddo I brought something cool today” A different girl: “What is it?” Me: “It’s a snail shell.” Her: (obviously not excited at all) “Oh.” Me: “But first, what’s the biggest snail you’ve ever seen?” Her: “I dunno. Like this big?” (Indicates about an inch diameter) Me: “Okay. Well, check THIS out! Me: *Pulls a moon snail shell out of my purse, like twice the size of my fist* Her: “Oh my GOD”
The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horror movie could honestly be a movie in itself and it’s honestly a waste that my entire life isn’t constantly recorded on film because it would be HILARIOUS
1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but when got there it had been smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep head with no skin just off the trail, so instead I just turned around and went home.
2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log, but the adult supervisor told us it was nothing, so we just put it back and didn’t talk about it again.
3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized “wait it’s dark as fuck” so I just held still until the guy gave up and left.
4. The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my head off and dump my body in a lake, so I told him to grow the hell up, but then he got caught stealing girl’s underwear a day later and I never saw him again
5. That one time in college where I was taking a shortcut on my home at night and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the driver’s side of the window and walked towards it to psych them out
6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he’d locked his keys in his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back window for him, so I told him “you know that sounds super suspicious right” and told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead
7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so I clapped him on the shoulder and told him that if he got that close to my bus then I was going to throw him under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the guy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn’t follow me onboard
8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a well and brought home who used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face, until I put him back outside and never saw him again.
9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me ‘piñata’ and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie cause he finally got caught torturing animals
10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks
11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and eventually escaped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wiggling through the hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lived another year and a half until one night the screaming just stopped
12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back, so I went home
13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play ‘bloody mary’ in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said “no thanks” and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead.
14. The old abandoned house I just moved into with the door that leads into a big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of… locked up forever and never go near
15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360º spin with nobody touching it, so I said ‘that was neat’ and never ate there again
16. The time I took a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the old town church cause it was the most goth thing I’d ever seen, right? But then it swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn’t even leave a bruise so idk be nice to birds
Sorry I know I bring this shit up a lot but sometimes im awake at night and I just. keep thinking
I think the secret to survival is to be good to animals, stay away from men, and say “no thanks” to everything else
i think its so special that everyone has a few pieces of media that have changed their perception of like…the world…thats so nice that everyone has a personal connection with art and movies and books and idk it makes me happy
